CLUB SANDWICH 67

MY BRAVE FATE

PHOTOGRAPHS BY JOE HUGHES, CINDY LIGHT, KEVIN MAZUR & MARKO SHARK

Plucked from his home in leafy Wiltshire and deposited in some of the world's most interesting hotel rooms, Geoff Baker has a quiet observation or two to share about life on the road

            Bleep bleep. Bleeeeeeeep. Bleep. What the Sam Hell is that? Bleep. Bleeeeeeep. Hello. What? What wake up call? I didn't book a wake up call. What time is...it's six o'bloody clock, you madman, I've only been asleep for three hours.
            Great. Now I'm awake; you try get back to sleep and your brain's giving it that what are you doing, it's morning, it's morning. What the hell am I going to do now? Read something. It's all in German. Apart from the guide to the hotel and you've already done that and noted that 'gentlemen are requested to wear a jacket and tie in the hotel bar'. Women can wear a wet suit and snorkel if they like, but guys have to wear a tie. Great.
            Oh God. Brain's saying you're hungry, you're hungry. Check out the mini bar first, look for some snack. Bar of chocolate. That'll do me. Look at the price, says Brain. What? Look at the price. It's just a bar of chocolate. Look at the price. OK, let's see....ah, schokoladen - 35 schillings. That's ah....that's £2. For a bloody bar of chocolate!
            A can of Coke, by the way, is £2.75. If, of an evening, your tipple is Scotch and Coke, that'll knock you back £10.22.
            You need to know all this. You do. I'm telling you this because you need to know. You need to know about life on the road. We're in Germany right now and by the time you read this we'll have whizzed through Europe and maybe Japan too. We'll be getting on for South America. And you need to know this.
            I want you to know it's not easy. It's great, but it's not easy. You worry on the road. You worry about things. Like, how can you order room service when you've only got a 20 Mark note (about £10) on you. You can't do it. You know that if you do and your cheese and tomato sandwich arrives then the waiter's going to start hanging out in your room until he gets his tip. And you've only got this 20DM note. Ten quid tip, for walking up five flights with a sandwich? No. But he's hanging out. He's smiling at you in a 'my wife and five children are very poor and hungry' sort of way. The only way to handle this is to pretend you're on the phone. Wait until there's the knock on the door and then grab the phone off the hook and shout "COME IN". He'll reply 'Room Service' from the other side of the door and then you dash to the door, fling it open and very obviously rush back to the phone and start talking to your imaginary caller, gesticulating for the waiter to put the sandwich tray on the bed.
            That gets them. For a minute. But then he's still